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A Nightclub For 7 Year-olds?!

  • By AndyVale
  • 10 April 2013

That was a business proposition that was given to me yesterday. A nightclub that allows 7 year-olds.

An ambitious young man approached me to present his bold plans for something that he was certain would be a surefire success. No local council is ever going to grant permission for it to open, but this would-be entrepreneur could not be deterred by such reasoning. He was adamant that opening a nightclub allowing small children to party into the wee hours, along with adults, was a worthy venture and had no shame admitting it. The plot was so brazen that I couldn't believe a human being in 2013 was actually considering it.

I should probably mention at this point that the person who was trying to sell me this nightclub was my seven year-old son.

We drive past a nightclub in town a lot, it's the same one where Cheryl Cole punched a toilet attendant. It often has flames decorating it and some snazzy lights outside. He's asked what it is before, so I explained that it's a place called a nightclub where grown-ups go to listen to music and dance at night. I'm sure grown-ups do other things at nightclubs, but you don't need me to enlighten you (and neither does a small child).

Going by it yesterday morning, he told me that he wanted to go there. Slight problem, I told him. He won't be allowed in there for another 11 years. This was when he had the idea to open his own nightclub.

Okay, so what's the pitch? I'll ignore the potential legal+moral battlefield and open my ears. Let's hear some of the details about this nightclub:


At first he said you would need to be six to get in, but not older than 25. I asked if he really thought there would be many 25 year olds who wanted to hang out in clubs with six year olds?

After a long pause, he decided "actually, I think you need to be seven to get in."

That's settled then, you can only be 7-25 if you want to enter. I suggest lowering it to 7-24, then we can call the club '24-7'.

Dress Code

"Cool clothes" was the simple mantra offered to me by the brains behind this operation.

Okay, what would you wear? "Probably my Woking FC kit."

Today I learned that cool cloths = non-league football shirts. That's where I've been going wrong...

Music Policy

"Probably my two albums." 

He has the first One Direction album and Michael Jackson's History. He will soon have War Of The Worlds - The New Generation as well, but that's a late birthday present. SHHHH!

But okay, 2 CDs is enough to DJ with and I would love to see a nightclub featuring some of this:


What's going to be special about this joint, how will it stand out?

"Glow sticks... about ten thousand."

I was expecting more, but I don't think it needs more. It's a nightclub for 7 year-olds, what else could they want?

If you were seven and someone opened a nightclub for you, what would you like to see in there?

I was thinking of adding a ton of stuff to this, but why? The great thing about kids is that not only can they be very creative, they can also find great pleasure in simple things. Just the music would be enough for a lot of them. No gimmicks, no dancers who are paid to look like they are having fun, and no awful 'ladies free before midnight' promotions are necessary.

Let's put all the very very easy jokes to one side for a minute and think about this.

Imagine this did happen, and some tweaks were made to make it a morally acceptable place (no alcohol, only parents, early closing time etc.). It could theoretically be a haven of the most pure fun. Kids don't care about hooking up with people, getting drunk or trying to avoid the 'no spray, no lay' guy in the toilets. The guys still want to impress their mates, but it's usually by doing exciting things rather than looking all moody and tough, or forcing 'banter' on an unwilling female recipient.

Have you ever seen kids dancing? They love it! They jump off things, they do flips and they aren't afraid of perhaps looking stupid. Not only that, but they don't need a gallon of booze chugged down their neck first. They just enjoy having shameless fun. They don't pretend to like songs that they don't, they aren't too cool to admit liking anything embarrassing, and if they don't know something then they're often more open-minded than the majority of club-goers.

Another plus, when I tweeted about it yesterday I got this reply.



Bonus. Althought they'd probably outlast me.

Doesn't this sound like a great place to hang out? But you can't, because you'd never be allowed into a nightclub full of kids... because it would never be allowed to open. With very good reason.

However, I'm sure if you took some inspiration from that image of shameless innocent partying then you could make a difference to your own experiences at clubs, festivals or gigs. My main problem in most places is that the crowds are totally dead. Not necessarily because the music's bad, the crowd just aren't willing to break the ice. Nobody wants to properly dance, people are busy tweeting, they don't want to mess up their hair... it's as if they've forgotten how to have fun.

I'm talking real and unfiltered fun. Fun for the sake of fun. Fun that doesn't need to be documented and validated by others in order to be enjoyable. Call it living in the moment, call it YOLO, call it whatever. I think that if people cut loose and experienced it a bit more often then they would feel a notable improvement in their lives.

Just focus on enjoying yourself, who knows what may happen? It only takes one person to get the party started...

Andy is a Supajam writer who has been a small-fry at numerous Commerical, BBC and Student radio stations over the last 6 years. He is also a music promoter in the South-East of the UK. He has a website where he interviews musicians with only one question, and he is currently typing in third-person. You can tweet abuse at him if you fancy letting off some steam.