Earlier this week we started our competition to win one of 25 Music is Great Britain DVDs - the DVD rounding up the greatest live performances in UK music history-- with a list of 10 of the greatest openings to gigs we could think of. Now it's time for the other end of the spectrum. Here are 10 of the lamest moments commited on stage. They include appalling stage dives, miserable covers, fans beating up bands, bands beating up fans, bands beating up each other and some rap metal. Enjoy. If that's the right word. And if it's all getting a bit much you can still win one of the Music is Great Britain DvDs-- just email us at firstname.lastname@example.org, telling us your favourite gig experience and we'll pick the best ones on May 22nd...
10.Snoop Dogg fan battered
Don’t touch the big dog! You gotta feel a bit sorry for this mug getting a hiding from Snoop’s entourage. He’s clearly loving the show, he clearly loves Snoop, and he’s clearly a physical cretin unable to control his drunk flailing limbs. He could have tried to high 5 Snoop, or even just bumped knuckles, but no, he has to go for the flying man hug, in front of a mob of hangers on all chomping at the bit to prove just how badass they are. Net result: A battering. Ouch.
9.Random rap idiot
The ‘rapper’ in this video is so excruciatingly bad I’ve started to wonder whether the whole thing, deeply humiliating stage disaster and all, has been set up to get the £250 You’ve Been Framed offer for home videos. C’mon sunshine, there’s got to be easier ways of making money.
8.Metaller falls, no one cares
How important is the singer to this band? On a scale of 1 to 100 I’d put him somewhere round ‘fell off the stage and no one gave a shit’. It’s less of a fall, more a desperate cry for help.
7.Interband warfare in the Eastern Bloc
Here’s one that I’m sure all singers can appreciate. The guitarist in this stinking rock band is really, really bad. His ‘solo’ is the musical equivalent of a medieval peasant explaining string theory to a puddle; pointless, and misinformed. What do you do in this situation? That’s right. You bitch slap him then stalk off in a hissy fit.
6.Guitar to the chops
And now the guitarist strikes back. Fair’s fair- you got to give some credit to the fat bastard ‘rapping’- he takes this deeply painful looking shot to the gob fully in his stride and just keeps on keepin’ on. I’ve no idea why the wining combo of rock and hip hop seems to particularly attract ill coordinated morons. But based on my exhaustive 20 minutes of research on Youtube its probably something to do with the bad hats.
5.Robbie Williams receives instant critical response
This is a pretty selfless performance from one brave man. He knew that the only result of violently shoving the talent free Butlins-red-coat-that-got-lucky Robbie Williams off the stage was going to be a serious beating from the Robster’s security, but bless him, he does it anyway. Striking a blow for music lovers everywhere, this champ is the like Mother Theresa and Gandhi rolled into one brilliant anti-Robbie whirlwind.
4.The classic ‘scissor kick to nose dive’
I love this band, they keep it nice and simple. Long hair, thrash riffs, Satan on the mic, and a good ol’ fashioned ‘you jumped to far, you fucked it and now you’ve snapped your ankle’ stage cock up. Look at the guy who falls off stage though—he’s straight back up, and still rockin’. True dedication.
3.Awful butchering of Pink Floyd
OK, so there’s a lot of videos on youtube of young bands performing terrible covers. But there is literally no one who’s ever been in a band as a kid who hasn’t squeezed out a turd of a version at one point or another- it’s called learning the ropes. I guarantee that if Hendrix’s dad had had a smart phone, somewhere on youtube there’d be footage of Jimi junior murdering Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. But these guys. These guys are old. They HAVE NO EXCUSE. They’re not part of a care in the community experiment. They’re not taking the piss. They are 5 grown men- 5!- not one of whom had the where-withall to suggest that, maybe, just maybe this whole being a rock star thing wasn’t really working out. What I really like about this is the way the singer glares at the drummer, like he’s the only reason that this performance is more excruciating than watching your dad enjoying an E fuelled reach around.
I’ve no idea who Mira Craig is, and maybe this video explains why. It’s not just the inexplicable barking dog backing track, the stage dive into empty space, and the shocked awkward silence that makes this clip so enjoyable, it’s the grunting sound Craig makes as she meatsmacks the deck. That groan is closest thing I’ve ever heard to the universal sound of failure. It’s a piece of art. Hit 7 on your keyboard whilst watching the video for true pleasure.
1.Brian Jonestown Massacre turn stage failure into an artform
This clip is taken from the film Dig! , which is pretty much one of the greatest rock n roll documentaries ever made. For those of you who haven’t watched it yet (and what have you been doing with yourselves?) the film follows genius/ lunatic Anton Newcombe, his band Brian Jonestown Massacre, and the immeasurably more successful (and arguably less talented) Dandy Warhols as the two groups find their careers running briefly alongside each other. Newcombe has got a near mythical ability to fuck things up just as they’re going right, and this spectacular footage is taken from a showcase gig the bands management had set up—the showcase that was going to propel BJM into the big time. 3 songs in and the stage descends into total foul mouthed, stage brawling chaos. I honestly don’t know whether this is truly a band fail or an example of most rock n roll thing I’ve ever seen.