Music Blogs

Dear Hollywood

  • By Jimeh
  • 9 January 2012



Dear Hollywood, 

                            I know you have fallen on some harsh times in recent years. Onslaughts are coming thick and fast- DVD piracy, falling box office returns, that great and terrible enemy known only as The Internet, they’re all against you. Let’s face it, you’re knackered. But DON’T WORRY. One great thing I learnt from the movies is that there is ALWAYS A WAY OUT, and the good guys will win in the end. And you guys are good guys, right? So I thought I’d suggest a few ways for you to make a last round, triumphant Rocky Balboa style comeback. Thank me later.

Firstly, stop showing us the entire fucking film in the trailer. Whatever happened to a good old tease with suspense, mystery and fascination as to what the full movie will hold? I paid to see one film the other week and felt like I had watched thirteen after all the trailer’s had finished. Stop including every highlight, every funny joke, plot twist and fight scene in the trailer! Give us a quick 30 second preview and then fuck off so we can retain at least some excitement and anticipation to see the actual film, instead of feeding us every little good bit in the hope we want to watch the movie twice! (The first time being the trailer of course)

Secondly try being a little more creative once in a while. Do we really need another remake, reboot or retelling of a story we’ve heard a million times before? Who is gonna be better in Total Recall than Arnie? Why are you re-fucking-making it ? Jesus. Why stop there? How about Taxi Driver with Orlando Bloom playing Travis Bickle?  How about a Jaws reboot with Rebecca Black as the shark?

Anyone remember the 90’s? Now that was the golden age of cinema. Films like Braveheart, Forrest Gump, Goodfellas, Pulp Fiction, Seven, The Shawshank Redemption, Silence Of The Lambs, Saving Private Ryan, Fight Club and L.A Confidential. The list is endless. These films are all timeless classics because care and attention was given to the plot and the characters. They were beautiful pieces of artwork crafted to entertain people for years to come, regardless how many times they watch them. We have the odd good film every now and then these days but they are few and far between. Invest some more money and time into the creative directors and writers, find some new talent and give them the opportunities to make something different and new. Take a chance once in a while!

Stop trying to make every film 3D, Yes Avatar was good but that was because it was made to be a 3D visual experience. That doesn’t give you the right to then reformat everything you have in your storage cupboard as the latest and greatest 3D film! It’s just another cheap way to get us to pay extra to watch a film that doesn’t even look better in 3D as you’ve only bothered to make 1/8th of the things seen on the screen actually 3D! It also doesn’t add any depth or imagination to the film, you can’t just give us two hours of a shitty written plot with cardboard characters and green screen environment’s and expect us not to notice how bad the film is because were too busy being enthralled by the amazing 3D!

And finally stop holding out for a sequel, there’s nothing wrong with making one really good movie instead of stretching it out into two or three average films. I know you make three times the profit that way but for once stop thinking about the money and start thinking about the movie, take some pride in the work you produce! Stop giving us shit and start making some classics like you used to! Give us more all-star casts like Enemy Of The State, more brilliantly written dialogue like Pulp Fiction, more awe-inspiring adventure stories like Forrest Gump, more suspenseful gripping horror’s like Alien and more thrilling action like Die hard!

Or you could just keep not giving a fuck and carry on producing the mindless dribble you do, whilst whining to us that your industry is haemorrhaging money because we don’t want to leave the house to come watch your shitty films!

Yours sincerely,

                            James Wharton.