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How To Win The X Factor

  • By TheMiserableBlogger
  • 31 October 2011


Let's face it, it was only a matter of time before The Miserable Blogger had a rant about The X Factor -American Idol to my American readers- the programme that has hypnotised the nation for many years.

Before I release my secret guide to winning The X Factor, I need to rant about what pisses me off the most about this fucking show. It's the treatment of the awful singers, the deluded, the ones that are a couple of prostitutes short of a brothel, the ones that walk in and give it the whole "This is my dream" speech. We've all heard that speech. They're put on television for the nation to collectively laugh and humiliate them. Imagine this - You've auditioned for X Factor, friends and family have encouraged you to follow your dream..... You don't get past the first round. You go home and have to sit on your mouldy couch in your one bedroom flat watching yourself on your knackered television, knowing deep, deep down that they're showing you on that programme because you sounded like a cat being raped. That must be a horrible feeling for anyone. And I know the cynical readers of my blog who like to give me shit will say "well they shouldn't have went on it"....but I don't give a shit. Nobody should be laughed at for following their dream, especially not whilst stood on a stage in front of thousands of people.

I asked a question on Twitter earlier. "What do you hate most about music?" and the most popular answer was "reality television shows making it sound the same", which is very true. There is a criteria you must meet to be a success. So, here is The Miserable Blogger's Guide To Winning The X Factor:

Ladies - Firstly, we need to establish whether you're fat or not. Are you fat? Be honest. Yes? Bit of a fatty? Well then fatty, you need to get even fatter, and uglier, get uglier. Also, wait until your Dad is dead, then you're all set to win The X Factor. If you target one of the lady judges and tell them "My Dad died last year and I'm not accepted in society because of my weight problem, I just want to be loved for who I am, I want the public to see past this exterior"..then have a little cry, get a hug from Louis Walsh and drop the bombshell - "After my Dad died, I found an X Factor Application Form he was planning to give me, I need to follow my dream, FOR HIM!"...cry again. Yeah, you're definitely in with a shot of winning.

This does not apply if you're attractive though. If you're attractive it's quite simple. Sing an Amy Winehouse song. But there will be other sexy ladies so you need to have the edge over them and here's how to do it: SING IN BARE FEET. That's very important. Everyone loves a nice indie girl that sings with no shoes on.

Gentlemen - It's a little easier for you if you're handsome. Firstly, dump your girlfriend if you have one, I don't give a shit whether you've been with her for 8 years. Tell her you've been shagging her uncle or something. Secondly, have a child. The nation love a single father. Tell the judges how you're working 80 hours a week in Matalan just so you can afford a tin of beans for your little lad, you're doing this for him, not yourself. Be really fucking sensitive. I mean really sensitive. Cry your handsome little arse off. If you can't be handsome and sensitive, then just join the army, you'll go far.

Male Groups - If you have a little black kid in your group you're on to a winner. Make him grow an afro and model yourself on the Jackson 5. Sing "Blame It On The Boogie" and you cute little bastards will win the heart of all 13 year old future sluts across this fine nation. You'll moonwalk your way to fame.

Female Groups - If you're a slag and have a few slaggy friends you could also go far. Make sure there's an ugly one....and make sure that ugly tart knows it. I can't give much advice to you lot. Just show your tits and sing a bit of Destiny's Child and men will be picking up their phones to vote, it's a nice little bit of wank material before the watershed.

Freaks - Freaks don't win, but they can go very far....If you're awful and you know it, get yourself dressed up like a Mexican and run around that stage like you're being chased by a bull. Make sure you have a nice big smile on your face and have a ponytail. You can't go wrong if you sing "We Are The Champions", people love that shit. You'll be on Celebrity Big Brother in no time.

Sibling acts - We've seen many brother-sister/brother-brother/sister-sister acts over the years and one thing always springs to mind when we see them "There's something fucking incestuous about them"...and for some reason it works. Look at Jedward, I'm sure they're shagging. They've made millions. So, kids, hold hands with your sister, maybe give her a little kiss, act like she's your bird. But don't try to shag her off the camera, that's just fucking weird.

The finest quality a person can have on X Factor is not a good voice, it is not even good looks or good shoes. It's a good sob story. Dead mothers, dead fathers, dead kids, dead aunties, dead nans, you get the gist. The better your sob story, the better chance you have. This is the most important tip I can give. If you don't have a sob story or have a shit one, then simply make one up. By shit sob story, I mean stuff like being bullied in school because your uncle is a paedophile and shagged 9 kids. That's not a good one. Being put in a coma for 9 years because you owed someone £40 for heroin = not good. Living on your own in a 9 bedroom flat because you stink of shit and can't get a girlfriend, also, not  good.

I tell you what, if you pay me £14 I'll sit in a wheelchair next to you while you do your audition, you can tell Kelly Rowland how you look after me because I'm all ill and dying. She'll start crying, you'll start crying and I'll sit emotionless in the wheelchair acting like a vegetable in a performance worthy of an Oscar. Job done.