FYI, on April 14th 2012, everything you know stopped mattering. In case you weren’t paying attention, over at California’s Coachella festival, a hologram of ( probably ) dead rapper Tupac, joined Snoop and Dr Dre onstage to perform a couple of hits. It was like Yo MTV Raps beamed in from a Mos Eisley cantina.
BOOM, suddenly the world changed FOREVER. I’m serious. That hologram of Tupac performing just called last orders on reality, and we ARE ALL GOING TO PAY. There’s talk of knocking up a Hendrix or a Marvin Gaye. This is going to run and run. And run. In 50 years time the holograms are gonna be so good that every TV show host, political leader and school teacher is going to be projected into your life from a mobile phone shaped like Satan. You won’t know- or care- which of your friends were born and which were knocked up on a 3D CGi modeller. Oh no. You won’t give a shit. And let me tell you why.
Soon enough you’ll be able to touch the holograms as well as see them. Human nature; there’s no point fighting it bud. It’s only a matter of time before some bright spark makes an exoskeleton cheap enough for home use. That's right:
There it’ll sit in the corner of your living room, a squat shiny, concoction waiting to be projected on. You’ll download holograms from iTunes, a dazzling array of stars from stage and screen, from history, from the furthest realms of imagination. Transfixed with lust you’ll mount them, the skeleton underneath responding, near purring under your blood red grasp. Night after night, head pounding, you’ll violate your way through a Who’s Who of celebrity. Oh, you may start with the vanilla action, your Marilyn Monroe’s, your Angelina Jolie’s, your Depp’s and Pitt’s, your Samantha Brick’s, but before long curiosity will have you wandering into the weirder tastes; Anne Widdicombe, General Pinochet, Philip Schofield... finally, you’ll be spurting holograsms and howling at the moon as you couple with a monstrous hybrid of Pikachu, Churchill the insurance dog, a pizza, and your nan.
But you know, the longer you spend with your iHolo (as it’ll inevitably be called) the less time you’ll have for the real world. Work, relationships, eating, bathing, they’ll all suffer from the addiction. Eventually it’s doubtful you’ll be able to leave the house. You’ll descend into a shambling filthpig, skinny and fetid, consumed by your love for a digital lie. And with no job, well, of course the funds are gonna dry up. And as you desperately squeeze every last drop of money from your overdraft, there’ll be no stopping the hologram flickering, dimming and slowly fading, fading, fading. Nothing left of your love but the bald sexoskeleton and the unforgiving CREDIT UP status flash. Nothing left of your life but a broken heart, a mouldy fridge and a wanker’s squint.
You don’t believe me? You don’t think we’re going to have fake stars filling our imagination? The Japanese have already fooled loads of kids with a CGi pop star they presented as a real teenager (Ha! Stupid kids! Lets trick them! They’ll be crushed when it turns out she’s not real! Hahaha! Very funny!). Look at how real it seems. Brrrrrrrr.
So listen, if this is going to happen – and it is- if we’re really going to rip off the fabric of reality’s head and poop down its scrawny neck, then let’s at least have some fun while we do it. Like, if you can resurrect Tupac from the dead and have him dancing across stage like a steroid addled Tron, then why stop there? Why not get batshit crazy with the CGi? I don’t wanna lose the world as we know it just for the sight of a short arse delivering a couple of bars of some old hits, I WANT MORE. Here are my suggestions of what they could have done with Pac. All it took was a bit of imagination guys.
Michael/ Whitney Tupac
This was my first thought tbh. After the two songs Tupac performed, why didn’t they have Michael Jackson emerge from out of ‘Pac’s mouth, one skinny limb at a time? First his elastoplast clad fingers would have appeared, gripping the rappers upper and lower jaws. Then the hands would have pushed the jaws wide open, ‘Pacs face expanding wide enough for Jacko’s arms to push out to freedom. It’d look like a cobra scoffing a rat in reverse. Imagine the mayhem as the TOTAL LEGEND MJ shimmied out, grabbed the hologram mic from the shed skin of Tupac and moonwalked into a medley that kicked off with I Want You Back and finished up with Earth Song. Tell me that isn’t absolutely fucking brilliant. For added points we could have Whitney climb out Michael’s mouth next. And then, I dunno, Barry White.
Use mythical beasts.
What’s better than one mythical legend? Two mythical legends COMBINED. At first I thought that maybe they could have just given Pac a single horn, like he was some kind of a tunicorn, but on reflection, that’d make him look a bit Satanic, and everyone knows Tupac resides in Heaven’s Ghetto. So, instead, it’d be loads greater if he took to the stage on a winged horned horse, essentially a Pegasus/ unicorn hybrid. If it could fire colour spectrums from its hooves in some sort of Rainbow Brite madness, then all the better.
Conjoined Tupac/ Biggie twins
That’s right. Joined at the hip and battling each other. Punching each other in the face if need be. Trading bar for bar in what would be the most hype battle since English teacher Mark Grist demolished aggy little turd MC Blizzard. Who would win? Who knows!? Well, OK, the people programming it know, but, hey, let’s try and maintain the illusion here.
And finally, ask yourself this question—which rapper is more famous than Tupac? Is there anyone? Why, YES THERE IS- Eminem is easily the most famous rapper of all time. What is it about Eminem that enabled him to win fans across the globe, and to bring hip hop to rock festivals with no one batting an eyelid (you can bet Noel Gallagher wouldn’t have made his Glastonbury related comments if it had been Eminem rather than Jigga headlining the main stage in 2008).... What is it that still allows Shady to sell millions of records, despite passing his prime some years ago? What is it that he’s got that Tupac ain’t...? What...? what...? If only we could figure out the magic factor that makes mainstream America, and hence the world, embrace white rapper Marshall Mathers... [palm slaps forehead]
Of course! It’s marketing genius! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, Elvis is now redundant! In the brave new age of the hologram I present you WHITE TUPAC. He sounds black! But he looks white! Fucking hell we’ll sell millions.
It’s only a moment away folks. Time to start taking notes of what’s happening around you, because pretty soon history is going to be seriously fucked with. Once we can project anything onto anything, then any claims can be made about anything. This is what happens when you stop asking questions. Tupac was white, look I’ve got the footage to prove it. And he had a wasps thorax for a waist—look, here he is with it in 1993. See? It’s right here on Youtube. Must be true. Watch your step on the way down.