Here we go. Brace yourself. It’s the top 10 of woeful music videos. I know, I know, there’s been a squazillion lists of ‘the worst music videos of all time’ but new ones KEEP APPEARING. Forget about legendary stinkers from the likes of Journey, The Hof, Jagger & Bowie and Vanilla Ice, I’ve got down to some serious research to bring you All! New! Crap! Our number one spot has, at the time of writing, got less than 1000 youtube views, a fact I dearly hope to change. Brace yourself for the weakest, the wackest and the just plain wrong-
The Jacksons – Torture
Made in ‘84 this sees the Jacksons going for a Lord of the Rings/sex dungeon vibe. Michael and Jermaine had a massive argument during the shoot and both walked out, leaving the hapless director to replace Michael with a waxwork dummy (there’s so many jokes to be done with that I’m exhausted even thinking about them). Jermaine didn’t get replaced at all which sucks for him. Even without that disaster, this video would still be cack. Cheapest bit? Skip to 1:53 for the ‘horrifying’ eyeball grafted to palm moment. Eeeeeek.
Preston – Dressed to Kill
Poor, poor Preston. From The Ordinary Boys to Big Brother to a video so bad you’re record label’s not even bothered posting it on Youtube. Dressed to Kill isn’t too bad a song really, shame the Lost Boys referencing video looks like it was made in a GCSE Media Studies class. The set consists of 1) a smoke machine 2) some strip lights 3) a pinball machine 4) some of the sort of oil barrels tramps use for fireplaces, painted red. Add to this Prezza’s ‘Dracula goes to Primark’ styling and voile! Welcome to Hit City!
The Shaman – Hyperreal
If you removed everything in this video that “seemed like a good idea” during whatever pill binge the band were on when they farted out its concept, you’d be left with Mr C, naked, shivering in front of a tatty blue screen.
Craig David ft Tinchy Strider
OK, honestly, I like this song. It’s taken an old UKG banger and given it a sprinkling of the old Craigy D magic. Lovely. But the video, not so much. In what must be one of the cheapest promos ever made, Craig looks like a PE teaching giving Tinchy a bit of an after school bollocking, whilst a pre-fame/ still doing anything to pay the bills Rita Ora just looks confused. Skip to 3.07 for a truly historic moment: Craig showing Tinchy how to do the Cr-a-a-a-a-a-i-i-i-g-g-g D-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-v-i-d hand motion. It’s like the Croydon version of Kinobe and Skywalker. Bizarrely, loads of the Youtube comments on the video are hate filled rants about Albanian ethnic cleansing. And that’s why we have the internet.
Eek A Mouse – Safari
Eek A Mouse is generally known for his evergreen reggae classics Wa Do Dem and Ganga Smuggling. Somehow this visual disaster has slipped through the net. The premise of the video seems to be that a little nerdy kid colours in his picture book and, doing so, gets transported to a plastic jungle realm where a really, really weird semi nude creep (Eek a Mouse) lasciviously grins at his Mum. Then, and for no discernable reason, Eek pops up in military Khakis, then a tuxedo, then, whoopsie! He’s back in his dubious ‘tribesman’ outfit. The whole thing is like Jumanji as imagined by a stoned racist.
Westboro Baptist Church – God Hates Gaga
You may remember these charmers from Louis Theroux’s TV show. They’re the loving Christians who go round America screaming abuse at gay people. As a typical leftwing bed wetter, imagine my surprise when it turned out we agreed on something- God definitely hates Lady Gaga. To be fair though, chances are He hates this hateful, atonal, no budget piece of shit video more.
Super Broker Shuffle
Who says White folk can’t rap? Huh? Have they even SEEN the Super Broker Shuffle? That’s my jam right there.
Steklovata - Novi god
From what I can figure, Steklovata are an Eastern European boy band with no rhythm, rampaging smack habits, and few teeth. Watching them is like having a crew of starving rent boys serenade you with Christmas Carols before shanking you for your bus pass. Truly terrifying.
THOR – Anger Is My Middle Name
Obviously there could have been a billion metal videos on this list, but I’ve already gone through them OVER HERE. However, since I put together that top 10 this blinder from THOR has cropped up, posted, in a wonderful display of humility, by the guy who produced it.
“this is one of the WORST music videos ever made” he writes-
“It was my first. Yes, complete with cardboard swords, graffitti splattered castles and a midget (dwarf) in line with the classic icons like atom bombs and burnt video of the early years of MTV.
Yes, I know. But, at the time it seemed like a good idea.”
It wasn't a good idea. It was a GREAT one. You, my friend, ROCK.
Rap Against Rape – What Did I Do Wrong
OK..... WHAT. THE. FUCK. This is mind boggling. Literally mind boggling. This is a piece on bad videos, rather than bad music, so we’ll only quickly sketch over the COMPLETE INSANITY OF THIS SONG- It’s an Irish 'super' group making a hip house appeal to stop rape. That’s right, they’re using RAP to stop RAPE. Clever eh? Brilliantly some joker didn’t see anything inappropriate in building the whole track around a sample from ‘Shaft’. Now the video. My favourite bit is when the main rapper- Wicked Willie (and yes, that’s genuinely what he’s calling himself) uses his finger to draw an imaginary tear down his face as he talks of a child crying. Poignant, very poignant. It’d probably be even more so if he didn’t look what you might call ‘a bit rapey’. Once in a while the director cuts to shots of ex punk Hazel O’Connor fighting off an invisible molester. Or at least I think that’s what she’s doing. This is quite easily the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. There's no point me writing anymore about it because words can't really do it justice. Just watch the damn thing.